Training Workshops of America: Assertiveness: An Approach To Conflict

How often have you had the perfect reply for a situation where your needs and opinions were being ignored … the day AFTER that situation occurred? Most of us are not good at effectively saying how we really feel and asking for what we really need. Maybe it feels uncomfortable or wrong, or just too scary. Whatever the reason, we tend to settle for less than we want, and then later regret that decision. The way out of this trap is to develop assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is simply the ability to say how you feel and ask for what you need without disrespecting the rights of others. Our one-day Assertiveness Training seminar will give you the assertiveness skills you need to say it right the first time.

Assertiveness: An Approach To Conflict

What is "assertiveness"? It is one of the most important strategies to manage stress - the kind of stress that comes from other people! Conflict situations that are not handled assertively, can lead to feelings of stress, frustration and anger - feelings that build up over time, affecting our physical and mental health.

Being assertive means expressing feelings directly and honestly; asking for what you want directly; and saying no, firmly and clearly, to something you don't want or feel unable to do.

Why do people fail to be assertive?

People often fail to respond assertively - suppressing their feelings, failing to state their needs and wishes, or agreeing to things that they can't do properly or don't want to do at all. Why? Often, it's hard to extend the same respect to myself that I would do to others. Yet the more I allow other people to walk over me, the less self-respect I have and the more I feel the need to please everyone around me and be perfect in their eyes. The result: more stress, and sometimes an open invitation to other people to take advantage. If you're a "people pleaser", you might be surprised to discover how much more people actually like and respect you when you're assertive!

Assertiveness gives balance

Assertiveness is a balanced way of communicating that avoids these two extremes. It doesn't allow people to walk away with the idea that you are open to pressure or manipulation - but at the same time, it avoids situations where rudeness, hostility, threats or insults are escalating. It is possible to be indirectly aggressive: some people use "passive aggression", employing passive resistance and indirect, veiled communication to get their point across. Not surprisingly, it hardly ever works - people may be annoyed and frustrated but they hardly ever "get the message".

Another disguised form of aggressiveness is "manipulation", where someone tries to get what he or she wants by making other people feel sorry for them or guilty about them. Like aggression, submission and passive-aggression, manipulation is a way of avoiding responsibility. It finds its target in the person who always apologises or comes up with a nest of excuses instead of simply saying, "No, I'm not able to do that". Manipulation can be effective in getting what you want, but there is a high price to pay in loss of respect from others, and often, self-respect as well.

Assertiveness, by contrast, has been defined as "taking responsibility for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of other people" (Bourne, 1995).

How to use assertiveness

Here are some examples of situations that should be handled assertively to minimise stress:

High-pressure salespeople who try to keep you talking
Handling annoying or offensive behaviour
Ending a relationship
Being kept waiting, or stood up for an appointment
Queue jumping
Dealing with unsatisfactory service or goods
Needing to ask a favour of somebody
Confronting someone who isn't carrying their fair share of the workload
Striking up conversations with new people
Being interrupted in a conversation or in the middle of a task
Having to interrupt someone else who is busy or get their attention
Unacceptable behaviour from a friend or family member
Unwarranted or unfair criticism
Accepting a compliment
Body language

Assertiveness involves body language as well as words. Looking away from people, crossing legs or arms while you speak, backing away, or emotional outbursts all undermine the effectiveness of your message. Rather, look directly at the other person, keep an open stance and posture, "stand your ground" physically and keep calm. You can't help being angry and upset, perhaps, but you CAN help the moment you choose to communicate your feelings and how you go about doing that.

If you're calm, it is easier to be specific, which is a key to effective assertiveness. You might think "I'd like more help" is an assertive statement - but it's easily argued with or deflected. Better to say "I'd like you to do the washing up after supper tonight" - or whatever. Being specific prevents the possibility of any misunderstanding: the who, when and what of your request are clear as day. You may also need to be specific about consequences when being assertive: "When you talk down to me like that, it gives the impression that you think I'm stupid, and I focus on that instead of what you're saying". Expressing feelings directly ("I feel angry and frustrated when you use that tone of voice. I'm angry that you don't respect me") is important, to yourself as much as to the other person involved, because it acknowledges that your feelings are valid and important, compelling the other person to acknowledge them.

Preparation and timing are essential to effective assertiveness. Before trying to change your style of communication, it's important to think about your rights in the specific situation (e.g. "I have a right to be informed about this"; "I have a right to be treated with respect in my own house"). Picking a suitable time is the next step. Then you state the problem in terms of its consequences, express your feelings and - most importantly - make your request. Assertive requests are firm, simple, contain no apology, assign no blame or judgment, and are never phrased as a threat or a demand ("You'll do what I ask, or else...."). They usually take the form of a statement e.g. "I would like", "I want", "I would appreciate" or "Would you please...". Lastly, you finish off by stating the consequences of a positive response, particularly if you're dealing with a work colleague, friend or family member. (In assertive situations with strangers, this step doesn't usually apply).

"Assertiveness - Assert to lead"

Assertiveness Training Quote
"Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness, but it is greatness."
Author:George Bernard Shaw

Assertiveness Training: An Approach to Conflict

Assertiveness Training

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